Grief Management
81Grief does not follow a time schedule. It does not punch in a time clock for noting its beginning or ending. Neither does it have respect for our agenda. It comes and goes as it pleases and does not ask permission for its unexpected arrival or departure. It does not provide clues as to when it will visit or how long it plans to stay as our uninvited guest. Grief is rude and intrusive and brings its luggage of pain and sorrow, misery and despair.
Grief is a teaser for just when we think we have survived its malicious assault; it sneaks upon us once again. It is unrelenting in its pursuit.
In my too many years of experience working with the bereaved, and my own personal sufferings due to loss of loved ones, I am convinced that intellectual and emotional acceptance of the death is not ultimately the outstanding issues. Rather, it is the intellectual and emotional acceptance of the fact that grief, as unwelcome as it may be, will always be our companion. Grief is in response to love lost. Even though our loved ones are deceased, we still love them and that is where grief derives its potency.
Yes, it is appropriate and healthy to invest in other relationships; but that does not dismiss, eliminate or replace that apartment in our hearts and soul still occupied by our beloveds. Nothing can or ever will. Thus, what survivors do is adjust to the loss and the role of grief in our lives. In other words, we manage it.
Now, let me clarify why I prefer using the term management as oppose to the overused "healing." Manage can mean many things. For example, it can mean to juggle many assignments at once in an organized manner. The intransitive verb means to survive or continue despite difficulties, especially a lack of resources. Both of these variant meanings apply to managing grief.
We hesitate to refer to our grief process as “healing” because healing seems to imply a return to wholeness. The Encarta Dictionary defines healing as “to make a person or injury healthy and whole.” Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines it: to make sound or whole; to restore to health.” Though we are talking semantics, it is important to understand that loss of significant loved ones creates a permanent change; a permanent part of the survivor's inner being is changed, never to be restored to its former state.
When I think of grief management, I compare it in a way to people suffering with diabetes. There is currently no cure. Diabetics must take responsibility for their day-to-day care, and keep blood glucose levels from going too low or too high. They must regularly monitor and learn to manage their diabetes. So it is with grief. There is no cure for grief and grievers must take responsibility for their day-to-day progress in completing the required tasks and learn to manage their grief.
We manage our grief by understanding that this is our time for living and our time for making our contribution to the world and therefore, we do not withdraw from it. We understand that our relationship with our deceased has not ended, but changed. We function without their physical presence, but not their spiritual presence. Thus, we adjust to living without them as they once were and living without the unique role, they once played in our lives. They have now assumed a different presence and a different role.
We manage our grief by reassessing and reinterpreting our lives within the context of the change brought about by our loved ones death. We understand that changes are sometimes painful and difficult.
We further understand that reaching out in love to other hurting souls is meaningful and medicinal for our own emotional well-being. It humanizes our experience and reminds us that our ship is not the only one struggling through the raging sea of grief. Getting involved with others makes real the reality that life goes on and draws us away from that nasty, debilitating self-pity. In our grief, as we reach out to other hurting individuals, we join the fellowship of the brokenhearted and wounded healers who, in spite of their own pains, minister to the pains of others. And in so doing, we make the amazing discovery, that our own pains are being ministered to in the process.
Lastly, we understand that our grief can be managed creatively and responsively. We help ourselves by engaging with those we know care about us with whom we can share reflections of our deceased beloveds. We develop new rituals that honor them while simultaneously ministering to our own grief pains. We take care of our physical and spiritual selves. Meditation and other art forms of relaxation and healing are wonderful for maintaining perspective, creating positive energy flow and uplifting the spirit and soothing the soul.
Understanding and practicing grief management is what diffuses the power of grief; weakens its ability to disable and depress. Even though grief will always be with us because we loved with a love that death could not severe, managing it allows for peaceful co-existence. Grief pains simmer, its invasion diminishes, and eventually, it becomes less bothersome
Just as death is the price we pay for life, so grief is the price we pay for love. And personally, I do not mind the pain.
I DON'T MIND THE PAIN
When you died my darling, precious love,
I had no sights or thoughts for tomorrow.
My soul experienced a wrenching eruption
Of pain and grief and excruciating sorrow.
The anguish of spirit: so unbearable;
The agony of mind: so intense,
The suffering in body: so unceasing,
Against all: I had no defense.
Nevertheless, beloved, I need you to know,
And I pray you can hear what I say.
I don't mind the pain I'm going through.
It's a small price, for our love, to pay.
We knew that one day we would have to part;
That death would come by in due time.
We knew how hard it would be for the other,
Who had to courageously linger behind.
But we decided our love was worth the cost,
And valued each moment together we shared.
Now that I must without you go on,
The pain of my loss I will not be spared.
I wouldn't, if I could, give my pain away.
It's special and mine all alone.
It affirms all the love that I felt for you,
And in me, it can only be known.
So honey, though the pain of grief I endure
Will gradually and slowly subside.
The strength of the love that you and I shared,
In the core of my heart will forever abide.
Saundra L. Washington D.D.
© 2009 AMEN Ministries
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Your family is blessed to have you providing the spiritual and practical care they need. God provides for you as you provide for them. Yes, grief for the believer is always a mixture of joy and sorrow; a rejoicing and a yearning. Yet, we look forward with hope to that great reunion day!
May our Father continue to bless, keep and strengthen you.
RevLady,
This is an excellent well presented hub on Grief Management! I can relate on some level as Quill. What a wonderful tribute to His Dad! Seven years ago my mother, and seven months later my Mother in law passed. Each year since a total of three brothers, a sister in law, my father in law and a nephew and that is just our families… (from heart disease & diabetes) Without saying I am sure you understand the magnitude of this.
It is important as you stated; ”We manage our grief by understanding that this is our time for living and our time for making our contribution to the world and therefore, we do not withdraw from it. We understand that our relationship with our deceased has not ended, but changed. We function without their physical presence, but not their spiritual presence. Thus, we adjust to living without them as they once were and living without the unique role, they once played in our lives. They have now assumed a different presence and a different role..” These are wonderful words of wisdom you have shared here!
Knowing God makes all the difference in the world. It would be hard to phantom otherwise. It is important to grieve and face however it is you are feeling. As you said it "does sneak up on you again." But you truly can find comfort in knowing and understanding on a deeper level that life is precious and we never know how ever long or short that time might be. Balance is key! God is able to help us rise to the occasion. You then are able to empathize and help others who are going through. Through it All I/we have truly learned to Trust the LORD You can also find “JOY” even in the midst of sorrow! God is All and so much more than one could ever imagine. You are so right again “Love Abides!” Reunion day is coming! God truly can “When your mind is on Him, He can Keep you in perfect peace!” I too can REJOICE!
I know you will help many with this Wonderful insightful hub and lovely inspiring poem! Thank you for sharing!
Blessings!
Losing a beloved to death is truly one of life's most excruciatingly painful experiences. We not only suffer the loss of loved ones, but secondary and tertiary losses as well. Our family positions as sons and daughters are gone. Perhaps our anchor and greatest supporters are gone, and life as we once knew it is gone. Yet, for Christians, our losses are tempered by our hope in Jesus Christ. Though we too grieve, as Paul said, it is not like those who have no hope. Thank you for stopping by. As someone said, grief shared is grief diminished.
This is excellent. I saw the title and was very interested in reading it. Our family recently lost a dear young one and there are many still dealing with the grief. I love how you describe our relationship with this person as changing us and not being something that has to be healed. Perfect and beautiful. I'm going to share this with them.
Dear Werner, it is always gratifying to know someone is being helped by something I have written. Not only have I suffered the loss of several significant loved ones, but grief and issues related to it has been my areas of study and work during most of my career life.
Thank you for considering my writing worthy of referral. All glory to God and may He richly bless you and yours.
I am so glad I found this hub! My mother lived with me for seven years till she passed on and I never had children so this was like losing a seven year old child. I suffered tremendously from losing her but there is one place that she remains..in my heart, for that is where she always was. I know she is waiting for me now in a much better place. Blessings to you and glad to be your fan!!!
TimeHealsAll,
No one could have stated it better than you, "she remains..in my heart, for that is where she always was." This is why the heart breaks, because that is where the pain and images are carried.
Yet, we rejoice in the knowledge that your mother has relocated to a finer estate. When things are ready, this time, you will relocate to live with her throughout all eternity.
Thank you for reading my hub and becoming one of my beloved and much appreciated fans.
God bless you.
Thank you for this great hub.It gives a lot of strength to those who have lost loved ones and to those who have the constantly nagging feeling that one day it may be their turn to travel this journey alone. Glad to have found this hub.
The pain and images we carry in our hearts can be replaced with good memorys of the love we shared and the opportunity to have known one another. Blessings! for that is what God gave us. A Blessing!:-)
Juliet, yes our day is coming but the promises of God stand forever. We look forward to reuniting with our loved ones and glorifying God throughout all eternity.
Thank you so much for stopping by and taking time to read this hub. I appreciate it immensely.
Time, thank you for the blessing of you comments. Indeed, God gave us special gifts of our loved ones. How sad to think about what life would have been like without their being in our lives for the time God ordained. As we continue our journey through life, let us be a blessing to others.
God bless you!
RevLady
This hub was touched by the holy spirit before you published it!
As many know I lost my Daughter 5 weeks ago due to a tragic car accident.
One minute we were all having a good time driving down the road and then the next minute God called my 8 year old home!
Grief still sits at my doorstep and awaits to come in and does as it pleases!
Satan has used this to try to destroy the bond of my family but yet God's grace protects my weaknesses!
Grief can be used as the enemies weapon of destruction when we are the weakest!
What a great hub
Mdawson17
First, in case I neglected previously, please excuse me and accept my sincerest condolences. Suffering the loss of a child is excruciatingly painful and bonds you with the Mother of Jesus.
Secondly, thank you for your comments and I agree with you. Satan will certainly try to take advantage of you in your weakened state. But, we praise God that "greater is He that is in you, than he that is in the world."
Lastly, you are encouraged to find grief resources that were specifically selected for grievers. See my profile.
Love, hugs, and God's strength!
Thank you for sharing your knowledge and experience with the difficult subject of grief, and grief management.
Since this is a subject that can only be too difficult to completely summarize in a short expose, allow me to add points that may ring true for some.
First of all, the loss (especially tragic loss) of loved ones is by far the most difficult to live with. Reliance on a personal faith may provide the best relief.
Secondly, another type of grief can include the feelings a parent gets when they witness a wayward child. Here, I believe prayer must be stressed in these types of grief, for the relief (peace of mind, but more especially peace of conscience) again comes from above.
Thirdly, there is another type of grief, very real to some of us. It is the grief of the loss of physical health. When one is forced to live night and day with pain, disfigurement, or disability, it can and often does affect their psyche to such a degree that it is comparable to the tangs of grief associated with the loss of loved ones. Sometimes it is even more so because of the exigency the situation creates, just for the day to day survival of the afflicted.
Thirdly, to be inclusive, there is the grief associated with the loss of possessions. This last category is wide-ranging, and can even be considered frivolous by some - but to the sufferer, it is very real and tangible.
Personally, I believe that ALL grief can be overcome. Compassionate and educated counsel is a great tool, IF the grieving ones can hook-up with such; but ultimately, the Lord will remove these burdens from our lives, as we seek Him out, in His own way.
Finally, if DEPRESSION is experienced as the unwanted result of grief, I invite all to read this article which may help those who teach, and will indeed help those who crave wisdom, even from sources of a less-secular origin.
http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?hideNav=1&lo
Bless you in your helpful efforts. Good Tidings.
Thank you Donnelly, for expanding the topic and providing an additional resource that may be helpful.
Forever His,
nice one for those who are grieving and for everybotyy RevLady, excellent hub,
More blesssings for you, Maita
Thank you prettydarkhorse. I hope it is helpful to those to whom it may apply.
Forever His,
Simply beautiful. Thank you for sharing. Yes, indeed, grief has some force to be reckon with. Sometimes, no matter how strong we are, it can still shake us to a certain degree. It is all up to us to rise above it. But it is also good to embrace it until we know how to let it go. Take care RevLady. More power.
So happy you dropped in Teresa and thank you for your valuable comment contribution. It is well taken.
New Year blessings to you and yours!
Forever His,
Thanks for your sharing of your experience. It is a useful and helpful articles.
Thank you wiseparent. So glad you stopped by. I hope to see you again when a hub tickles your fancy (smile).
Forever His,
RevLady,
I promise I'm not trying to sell you anything, but check out my book, Missing Andy: The Journey From Grief to Joy, just released. It talks about how Christians grieve differently than non-believers. It might help you in your ministry. I lost my husband in 2008 and this books born out of that grief. Writing is a great healer.
Thank you for the consideration loriamoore. Appreciate it.
Forever His
A beautiful hub, Reverend Lady, and such a touching poem. I printed a copy for my mother and my son's grandma in-law, and gave it to them. Both ladies lost their husbands over three years ago (2-months apart).
I think I've mentioned before that my mother has had a difficult time accepting that my father is gone. And the other lady, though obviously sad and still missing her husband, has a completely different attitude. Everyone is different.
Thank you for your beautiful writing. May God continue to bless you, today and always.
Sending you love and many BIG hugs,
VKA
Yes, dear heart, everyone is different.
It has been my discovery that when push comes to shove, people find their own way through, in their own time. I respect that.
i continue to be so very pleased and yes, excited that you have so honored me by really going through most if not all my hubs. You have probably noticed that I tend to go from theology to sermon type hubs yet, you hang in with me. It is so wonderful that God is being uplifted and He uses you (and others) to uplift my spirit in such a unique forum! I must shout out a HALLELUJAH!!
Bless you VKA, you are such a blessing not only to me but to the memory of those who influenced my life. Thank you.
Love and hugs,
Forever His,
Nicely done Revlady you never disappoint. Have a blessed week.
MBP42,
Bless you for caring to visit and drop an uplifting note. Much appreciated. Sabbath blessings to you!
Forever His,
this is a well-put and wise-conceived piece of writing. fall for your hub. god bless and live long.
VivekSri, thank you for your kindness. Blessings!
Forever His,
Wonderful read. I enjoy your fine words. God Bless You.
Hi precious,
Thank you for dropping by and leaving me a word of encouragement. I feed upon it.
Love and hugs,
Forever His,
Great hub and true to what I have found grief to be- it is ongoing, management.
AMEN! Izettl,
Love and peace in Him,
Forever His,
Rev,
Thank you for sharing your hub. They though hunt you once in a while without notice. Sometimes Im awaken from sleep because I thought he visited me, just his presence is very positive...I cried thinking about him, sometimes I blame the Dr-she could have done more to save him. Though it is so painful to share this anguished but I barely talk about it.
I will call his father and ask him again, what really happened? he would just cried in the other line and would just say, they couldn't save him because he was sick and me loss consciousness when this is going on.
But I know deep down in my heart he is in a better place in Heaven.
Thank you again.
I am blessed to have found your hub.
God bless you dear heart. I empathize and I know how painful the loss of a loved one is.
Yes, your son is in God's loving care.
May His peace, be your constant friend.
Forever His,
You are a radiantly beautiful personification of God's gracious and perfect love!
God sent you to lift up my spirits today Ebrenda. I raise my hands up in praise to Him for this special gift.
Thank you for the lovely gift of your kind remarks and may He continue to bless you!
Love, peace and joy in Him,
Forever His,
Excellent hub: Beautiful Poetry. Thank you!
Thank you pennyofheaven for dropping by and for the kind remarks. I am at the library because my computer is down and cannot get to you hubs until it is repaired. Hopefully soon.
Love, peace and joy in Him my dear sister in Christ,
Forever His
No words can express my feelings upon reading the above prose. As if guided by the Angels I came across it. After loosing the father of my son this past Christmas morning as my 11 year old wished for Santa, after holding him in my arms as a wretched heart attack took his last breath, after seeing 14 years of our love in his last glance..I thought surely know one could understand, no words could soothe. Thank You from the bottom of my heart for your words. He is with me in spirit as he always said he would be blessed to die in my arms. Raymond I will forever love you and will raise our son as a reflection of the remarkable man you where and the spirit that lives.
Yes, dear heart, he is with you. I truly sense your pain and I emphathize deeply. Your comments brought to mind the death of my brother, also named Raymond, who remains with me in spirit as well. Your prayer to your beloved is so touching that I believe it is heard by even the angels.
I send you my love and I pray you find rest for your soul in due time.
From the heart,
Pastor Saundra
I love this: "Just as death is the price we pay for life, so grief is the price we pay for love. And personally, I do not mind the pain. This touched my heart. Thank you RevLady, your Hubs always touch my heart! God Bless you!
All glory to God. Thank you for stopping by Drpastor. I so appreciate it. Love you!!
Forever His,
Revlady you captured the essence of this so beautifully. Managing grief is a full time job. With each passing, I find my grief accumulating. Everytime someone I love passes away, I feel the pain all over again.
Thanks for writing this encouraging article.
I feel as you do Faith. Grief is and will be our constant uninvited guest. But we will not let the guest run our home.
Love and peace dear friend.
Forever His
RevLady, this is so powerful! A great lesson in Grief Management. It is amazing that loss is apart of life, but we never get used to it. I believe that the force of love is so great, that it wants to keep loving. So how do we stop the love flow after our love one has died?
I really love the poem, I Don't Mind The Pain! This is awesome!!! Bless You.
You are so right on TOH, loss is a part of life that we have no choice but adjust to, regardless of the suffering involved. So how do we stop the love flow after our love one has died? For me, I redirected it reserving a special place in my heart for my lost love, but sharing the rest with others. In so doing, I am still indirectly showing love to my deceased beloved, while others, longing to feel loved, benefit.
Thank you for the poem comment which was written in pain and in tribute to my mother.
Love and hugs beloved friend,
Forever His
Grief is a cultural experience and is also experienced differently depending on the relationship with the greiver. It is often toodifficulty for one to inderstand loss of a beloved one. It may not be real for a long time and may then manifest its true existance over a period of time. Very often the griever will go into transe for some time. My experience is thet flash backs are often difficult to manage. You break down long afer a funeral. You break down more if relatives do not talk much abaout your beloved one . It is more healing for people to talk about your lost once. I have found it comforting. Still question continue to rage. Why did he /she have to go? Why did it happen this time? Why did it happen to me? Will I ever see him/her?
Thank you Rabson for stopping by and gracing this hub with your comment. I appreciate it immensely.
I agree with all you wrote. For Christian believers, our answers to the complex questions surrounding death are found in the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. We understand that death must occur for life to truly begin. Though we miss the physical presence of our loved ones, we are convinced in faith that our separation is only temporary. It is this knowledge that removes the sting of death this side of heaven and we rest in the certainty that as God promised, a reunion day is in our future; when time is swallowed up in eternity.
Love, peace and joy in Him who conquered death when He resurrected!
Forever His
When I read your poem tears of joy roll down my cheeks because I feel encouraged that my girlfriend's spirit is here with me and it shall always watch me!
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"Quill" 2 years ago
Great Hub RevLady, grief I have found is re-occuring. I lost my Dad 5 years ago. There is a rarely a day that passes I do not think of him and the blessing that he was to all of us in the family.
It is tradition in the French Catholic upbringing that the eldest son(thats me) assumes the responsibility of keeping the family together, providing guidence when called to do so and annually providing a blessing each New Year.
I take the tradition seriously, just as Dad taught me. Each time I am called upon I am reminded that I miss hime deeply , but as well I rejoice as I know he is with the Father.
Great Hub and thank you as always for sharing....
Blessings